Saturday, May 9, 2020, 11:05 PM — This weekend is my first Mother's Day. Rowan was born 3/1 just before the pandemic began. I was leaving the house today to purchase flowers for my mother in law who we went to see this evening. My grandfather and uncle surprised me this afternoon by calling to say they were stopping by. This, just after my friend also asked if she may stop by for a window visit. Since we brought Rowan home from the hospital, no one has held her besides us. We've done previous visits through our back patio window with my mother and mother in law and my sister. I guess what was difficult today is seeing my friends and grandfather and then watching my mother in law walk away crying after our 6ft apart visit with her only grandchild. My grandmother always wanted me to have a little girl, growing up a tomboy I was sure I'd be having a little boy someday, but my grandmother was certain I’d have a girl.
My grandparents have always been incredibly supportive, I have a functioning alcoholic for a mother who has always been less than reliable. My grandparents helped me get into fashion school and for a final project, I sewed a little girls dress (it was the most simple pattern). My grandmother cried. She took it as a sign I would be having a girl one day (at the time I had just turned 21). Come 2016, I married my husband Cole. Never before had I even remotely thought any other partner would make a sufficient father to any future children, besides, I was too focused on school to even consider getting pregnant prior to being married (something else I never really though much about either). Seeing my husband with his friends kids, I knew I had to be a parent with this man. It just all clicked into place. We tried for two years, spent several thousand on fertility treatments. My grandmother passed, we had a miscarriage, then finally the same week I found out I'd been accepted to grad school, we found out we were pregnant. As I write this, I realize I've been through a lot.
But none of this was even the most challenging. My depression really began 3/10/2009 when what I still believe was my soulmate passed away from an accidental opioid overdose. He was 24 and we'd known each other since I was 13. We met over this phone on a chat line and I had lied and said I was 16, because he was 16. We were best friends and lovers on and off right up until he passed. I'm still close with his family. His mother was at my baby shower. My husband is supportive but doesn't and will likely never truly understand this aspect of my life. In any case, that's where the depression stems. I guess that's what you call ptsd right? A traumatic even in my life that causes regression or something? I don't find I get as upset about Jeff anymore, that was his name. Though now that I mention it, I did have a dream about him very recently... I'm realizing this is a lot and all over the place. Basically, today was a long day. It's the most I've interacted and been out of the house. I'm scared that not enough people are taking this pandemic serious and it will affect the people I love. I miss yoga and brunch and going out with my husband. I want to visit with my grandfather in person before he dies. I want my mother in law to hold her granddaughter. I am so angry and grateful and sad. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, May 10, 2020, 9:17 PM — 1st Mother's Day Today was my first Mother's Day. My sweet sweet daughter gave me the gift of sleep after weeks of being up every 1-2 hours, she was down most of the night waking only once for a quick feed and then gently drifting back off to sleep (her tummy gives her problems so this almost never happens). I was wide awake however, at about 4am. Sometimes it's tough to get my brain to shut off so I just lie awake in the dark. When I was about 26 I sprained my lower back working in the stock room at Old Navy. I was debilitated for about a year and around this time I also fought off depression and found that this brain awareness began. I was prescribed a few things for the anxiety back then but they were so strong.
Now I just try to do yoga or meditate to calm my mind. I also try to practice my gratitude when my mind wonders in the early hours as well. I am so thankful for the life I have, my husband and my beautiful daughter and amazing family and friends that care about me. We re arranged the living room and ordered in breakfast, my sister came by with my nephew and I received so much love online and through texts. Today was a good day.